I'm looking back now at my last post, which I wrote on Memorial Day. So yeah, it's been a few months. It feels like there's been a lot going on, and at the same time nothing at all. Pandemic life is like that, I guess.
As isolating as the past few months have been because of COVID, I've also had some other things going on---on September 29, I welcomed my second son. He's a little peanut of a thing, and his hobbies include sleeping extremely noisily and eating at all hours of the day and night. Being awake pretty much all the time has given me the opportunity to look back at the last few months and think a bit about how isolation and motivation are--at least for me-- both at odds with each other but also very much intertwined.
I'm a huge Joni Mitchell fan, and one of the albums of hers that I think has never gotten a whole lot of deserved recognition is "For the Roses." This was Joni's retreat-from-the-world album, when she needed some space and time to come to grips with fame, and though it's not necessarily everyone's favorite work, there are a few really poignant songs on there, particularly "Cold Blue Steel and Sweet Fire" and "Judgment of the Moon and Stars." I've always liked this album because she leaned in to her isolation rather than letting it distance her from herself and her music.
COVID is isolating, but pregnancy is also isolating too, even under normal circumstances. Your body isn't your own anymore, and if you're like me, you're horrifically, debilitatingly sick for the duration of the period. It's hard to find the energy to connect with friends, and it's easy to feel alone, since no one knows exactly how you're feeling in your own body. The exhaustion is overwhelming, and it feels like someone's replaced your brain with oatmeal. Honestly, throughout most of the summer, writing and recording was the LAST thing I wanted to do.
But it was also the thing that made me feel most like myself. On a bad day, spending a few minutes writing lyrics or playing the piano gave me moments of normalcy that I desperately needed. I had to force myself to get started a lot of the time, but it was like diving into cold water--after the first shock, I started to get used to it and even find it refreshing. And it's exactly that feeling that keeps me coming back. Now, somehow, the EP I've been working on since last October is finally done and ready to be released in a few weeks. In a year of loose ends, it feels good to finish something.
Pregnancy is isolating, but having a newborn is rough, too. Sleep is non-existent, ridiculous commercials on TV reduce me to tears, someone is always screaming, and everything has baby puke on it. My brain still feels like oatmeal and I don't want to do anything, but I've been forcing myself to write because it reminds me that I'm still in here somewhere, and life won't be chaos forever. How's the writing going? Terrible, actually, but it exists, and that is something to be proud of.
So, all this is to say that if you've been feeling isolated this year, I hope you can push through the isolation and find the motivation to do what makes you feel like yourself. Things might not be back to normal (whatever that is) any time too soon, but don't lose what you love in the mean time.
Comments